1. If I do too much cardio I will burn too many calories and lose my milk
2. If I eat as clean and healthy as I need to in order to lose weight I will lose my milk.
3. If I avoid cardio and just lift and try to tone, this will only get me so far because what I need is to burn fat.
4. If I don't eat super healthy and clean I am able to feed my daughter.
The most important thing in this world to me is my children, I breastfed my son until he was 1 year old. I feel like it would be unfair and selfish of me to only nurse my daughter 6-9 months for the sake of me kicking my own butt at the gym. My self esteem is low, my energy is low, and I feel like I am a milk machine chasing around a toddler with way too much house work to do. Motherhood is beautiful and at the end of the day and even during the chaos sometimes I sit and think "wow, I'm blessed". I am only human and a lot of these things bring me down, yes I just had my second child, but I still want to feel beautiful!
Another dilemma we are running into is that Jared won diamond club at work, this means he wins a paid tropical vacation. This vacation has to be here in a few months, but I can't fathom the thought of leaving a baby that I am breastfeeding and a toddler who needs a kiss from mommy each night in order to fall asleep. I would like to say that I have people I can trust with them, but I can't say that. Only I know their needs, what cries mean what, and what will calm Easton down during one of his fits. If we went on the vacation we would be away from both of the kids for 3 days and I say "absolutely not, no way" this is troubling Jared because he feels like it would be good for him to go mingle with the higher ups at work.
In a situation like wanting to lose weight while breastfeeding, wanting to go on a vacation while the kids are still so young, hell even wanting to be able to use the restroom with the door shut is out of the question right now. We are still parents no matter if we win a trip to millionaire island, if the kids can't come with us, then it looks like we are passing up the money and cuddling up to our babies instead. I'm sure a lot of people including most men I know would disagree with me, but I know what is best for my children. I refuse to be selfish like so many parents are. Of course I would like a vacation are you kidding me!? I would like a shower sometimes and I have to wait until 1AM for that because I have 2 kids in diapers, 2 bellies to feed, and only a few short hours in the day to make them both feel special.
I'm sticking to my guns, until the kids are older and they can both communicate with me, and can understand that mommy and daddy will be back I am staying with them. At the end of the day I can say I am a selfless mother, that is all that matters to me. It's better than being on an island somewhere, being miserable wondering what I am missing. It's 2:20 AM and I am going to watch an episode of Desperate Housewives, then go to bed. Take care
Stay Beautiful
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I understand<3.
ReplyDelete<3 Your wonderful! Could you please email me nadiac414@gmail.com I have a question. :) love ya
ReplyDeleteThanks Nadia! I just emailed you
DeleteI understand as well! The hardest part about being a Mom is to let go, and it doesn't get any easier as your children grow up and go out into the world. Still to this day, I want to protect Heather and be there for her in every second of her day. I have learned that I can't do that and that is a hard thing to except. You say you feel stuck and you don't feel beautiful. I understand that as well! Life is a balancing act, and sometimes our balance gets really warped by circumstances and our overwhelming thoughts about our circumstances. I think that 3 days away from your usual circumstances would make you feel better about yourself and help you to not feel stuck, while helping your husband's career and your families potential for the future. I know that 3 days just seems impossible right now, but that is really when you need to take a step back, take a breath, and look at the whole picture of life. Life is short.... that really is true. It's hard to see sometimes, but when you get to be my age, and you are looking back, life is so short. I think taking time for yourself and your husband right now would give you a whole new outlook on things. You deserve to live a little, you give so much to others and are such a wonderful Mother. There could be alot to gain, freshen up your mind, body, spirtuality, outlook.
ReplyDeleteRobin, I completely understand and agree with all that you said. It's not so much that I don't want to "let go" it's that I don't think children should have to go through anxiety if it's not necessary. I have never left Easton before, to leave for 3 days would traumatize him and he isn't old enough to understand that mommy and daddy will be back for him. He doesn't grasp that concept yet and until he does I just don't have the heart to confuse him and upset him. I do think it could possibly help Jared's career, but he knows who he married and what kind of a mother I am. I can't help the way that I think, it's indented into my heart and brain. It's a really hard situation for me because as you said life is short, this means in a blink of an eye both my kids will be talking and potty trained, I don't think while they are so young I need to leave them to go on an island where I will be miserable and be overwhelmed with anxiety and guilt for leaving my babies. Every mother is different, but I honestly don't see the point in doing that to them, as hard as Jared has worked to win the trip I know he will have plenty of more opportunities to go on trips and when the kid are old enough to understand why we are gone, then I will leave them. I know it sounds extreme, but the only thing important in my life is being a mother, if I go against what I feel as a mother I wont have a good time I will be extremely sad. I have considered leaving, especially when Lisa told me that you all would be here at the house, I still am considering it. I know 100% that my babies will be safe with you three, but my decision lies with how its going to effect them. I think the reason I have lost my identity and I don't feel beautiful is the weight gain, the anxiety I have been having, and the fact that Jared works with a bunch of beautiful females and has to come home to a fat milk machine who didn't have time to look good for him because I was too busy cleaning, bathing, feeding, and diaper changing... I don't know if this feeling will go away until I have lost all of my baby weight and I can find a natural remedy for anxiety... :( I know you have been in my shoes and that you are probably right. I also know that it will be harder on me than the kids, I don't want to be crying the whole time, worried, or feeling guilt. I think right now is such a fragile time as a mother with both my babies being so young, I am not sure I am ready to live for me yet...
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