Time, changes, anxiety..

My son turns 2 in 1 month and 8 days, my daughter is 3 months today... Time is sometimes too fast for parents to handle. Eastons invites arrived yesterday and all last night Jared and I stayed up addressing them, part of his decorations arrived also and I nearly cried. Another birthday already? I swear we just barely celebrated him becoming a toddler, now he is going to be 2!! I know he would have been super excited to get the toddler drum set from Ebay that I almost bought him, but I had to choose between that or the gifts I got him, I think I made the right decision. I have a mild case of OCD when it comes to my children, how they dress, and especially holidays and birthdays. This is very important to me, it's my job to make sure he has the best birthday each year, same with Boston.
Nothing brings me more joy than to do these special things for the kids, my heart beats for these things. Today I will be taking Bostons 3 month pictures in her 4th of July outfit, I couldn't be more excited. On the fourth I will be doing pictures of both the kids in their Independence Day attire, it is going to be the highlight of  my month!! Why do I so harshly judge myself and strangle myself with high expectations that most don't meet? I do this because I enjoy to challenge myself, I enjoy motherhood, I truly enjoy going out on the limb for my children. I can't think of anything else I would rather do, this is my passion and I can only hope I am doing a good job.
The rest of Eastons decorations will arrive today or tomorrow, this is going to be so hard! I have both of his gifts sitting in the garage, now I will have all the decorations there too. Every day I think about just giving him  his gifts just to see the look on his face, but I really need to have a little self control when it comes to that kind of stuff so I am waiting until his party! I am so excited for this party, this time instead of spending all of the money on the party, I spent it on Eastons gifts, not making that mistake again. Lately my anxiety has gotten he best of me, I am a different person on a daily basis and as hard as it is for people in my life, it's so much harder on me. I now feel like I have no control over this anxiety that  has taken over my brain, but I am learning coping skills and herbs by someone I love very much, she is teaching me to deal with it naturally. To stop breastfeeding my daughter is out of the question, if I were to do that just so I can be on anti anxiety medication I would go into depression. Also the truth with those medications is that they only make the situation worse, to handle it naturally and be strong enough to use the coping methods will make things so much better on everyone. Something I have noticed is someone who has not felt anxiety cannot begin to understand. It's similar to a man trying to understand what childbirth feels like. Before I ever experienced anxiety I never really understood what people were dealing with around me. I never helped them because I didn't know how to help them, I actually made it worse by treating it like stress or depression... Anxiety for me is not being able to breathe when it hits, sweating, over analyzing every possible situation, fearing things that are not logical, thinking everyone is against me, feeling inadequate, it is a state of PANIC, my heart races, and I feel helpless. Never in my life did I think I would be a victim of anxiety, but I am and it has changed me. The reason I am opening up about this to you is because I need you to understand that it's not YOU, it's me. I need you to understand that if I am acting different or snap that I am truly sorry, but I am working through something very difficult right now. Understand that the only things that can help or calm it down is the safety of my children and people around me being understanding and supportive. I am very excited for things to start getting easier, I am being positive, but  understand that it will take time. My children deserve a healthy mother who loves herself and who can stand to be in public without having an attack. This is my struggle, you have yours, we all have our struggles. All I can do is pray, embrace my beautiful family, and have faith that I will not have to be on meds to overcome this anxiety. I appreciate everyone who sympathizes, but what I really need is your support and understanding. On a lighter note, there is 2 days until one of my favorite holidays is here!!!! I cannot wait for Easton to see the fireworks, I am counting down the hours!!!! Take care everyone,

stay beautiful.