Living and controlling my life. Stay beautiful...: Randon thoughts, my head is full of them.

Last night was New Years Eve and I had a lot of time to think about what is truly important in life. I sat and tried so hard not to be sad that I wasn't with my sweetheart and couldn't help but to be filled with heart bursting love while looking at Easton. We have been blessed so much and those are the things I should be focusing on, but I am only human and sometimes we get sad over the things we need and don't have right?

Easton and I had such a great time together last night and I am so lucky to be his mommy! I record all of our special moments on the camcorder and I put the camera on the couch and recorded us watching the ball drop on TV and me giving Easton the best New Years kiss he will ever have! I know he will appreciate all the videos and pictures I am accumulating for him as well as all the precious things I am saving.

I tell Easton that daddy is working hard to give us a better life, he smiles. I know it's hard on Jared also so we both suck it up and put a smile on. It's just hard not to have him with us for Eastons first holidays. Easton might not notice, but mom does and I want Jared to experience all these special firsts too. Thank you Jared David Everett for being such a great man and father. Your son will be told of your amazing ways when he is older, I know you will teach him to be the same. Jared got home around 12:30 AM so I got a late New Years kiss, wasn't as good as my first one at Midnight, but it was still glorious. I love my men so much, I am so blessed.

My son is going to be 5 months on the 10th and I cannot believe it. Sometimes I sit back and reflect on what happened (the pregnancy and birth), I tend to let memories pass me by. I can't even tell you how many wonderful things that happen to me that fade away, I can't help it. I programmed myself to forget things after they happen, that's how I stayed somewhat sane growing up. I forget the special moments as well though, guess my plan wasn't thought out completely. Now its second nature and I can't help it.

People do not understand why people do the things they do, they assume, form an opinion, and voice it. That does not mean it's exact, an opinion should never be taken as fact. People do not understand why I take so many pictures and post them on my facebook, they don't understand why I have had my phone for 1 months and have 1500 pictures on it already. Things, memories, faces, holidays, special moments, they all leave my mind after time passes and I am left with nothing. I am left feeling empty and wondering why when I was so young it felt good to feel empty..

            I take those pictures for a number of reasons, I know alot of my facebook friends are dying to know why because it drives them crazy that I post pictures all day long. I take them for memory, to keep track of my timeline of my life, to show off my most handsome and smart son, to share beautiful precious moments of my son growing up with family in different states, and to share my son with my friends. I do it for all good reasons, I'm not obsessed with it, it's a necessity. Some of my friends make comments like "wow, you post A LOT of pictures lol", all I can say to that is be thankful I am willing to share my son with you.
            For my sons first Christmas we were so blessed, with family, precious memories, and the true spirit of Christmas. My mother is such a great grandmother, mother, fiance, daughter, and more. She spoils her grandson and while he is young I'm okay with that haha. She has made my life what I have always dreamed it would be. She is healthy, happy, loving, true, proud, loud, beautiful and so dear to my heart. Mom, thank you so much for fighting so hard to bloom into the wonderful daughter of God that you are. Thank you for being sober when my oldest brother needed you the most! Thank you for always looking past my flaws and viewing me as flawless.
             My other mother Lisa, my first foster parent was amazing and so selfless. I couldn't imagine my life without her right now, we text every night and she keeps my spirits high. Lisa, if you're reading this, thank you for being you and for always loving me. Thank you for giving me a roof over my head when my world was so cold (2 times). Thank you for taking my little family in, loving them, feeding them, and supporting us. I will never forget all the selfless acts of kindness you have done for us. As far as I am concerned we are blood related. Thank you for getting to really know me for who I really am and loving me for it and trusting me. I will never lead you astray, I will always be here.
             I have a lot more thank yous to give out, but over time you will see them. I don't want to list them all now or I would be writing all night, yes we are very blessed and I couldn't ask for more. When I look at my life all I see is happiness, it has never been like this before. I have accepted that life can never be perfect, I accepted that as a very young girl. I can't imagine my life any different than it is right now and I am admiring the little thing in life, which are actually the biggest and most important. Instead of leaving the blinds closed, I open them and let the sunlight in, it might be the last sunrise. Instead of letting my anger take control and fly out my mouth like a pistol, I hold it in and breathe deep.
             I think the biggest reason I am this is way is maturity, trial and error, and I'm tired of always having to apologize for my hurtful words. I look at these young teenage girls and I can't believe how early kids are starting to do things. I see how they pose in the mirror, the clothes they wear, they make up they cake on, the way they disrespect themselves with each facebook post. We all went through similar fazes while growing up, but was I this bad? I wonder if they understand that one day what they are doing will effect them later in life? They act like as if they don't expect to live past their teens, which in most cases is not true.
             Life is not how you see it, it's not easy, it's not party central as an adult, it's not as wonderful as being a teen. You have responsibility, work, bills, trials, times when you feel you will break. I promise that life only gets harder! Enjoy your life, be free, enjoy being young, live it up. I had to grow up a lot faster than I wanted to, I had no choice. I was never really able to be a normal kid, teen, and now I'm definitely not a normal adult or mother. I wish I could hug these young girls that are so confused and don't know who they are and tell them.... "You are young, beautiful, innocent, and precious. You are everything that a young boy wants to take from you. Hold your head high, walk as if there is no one more beautiful than you. Keep your legs closed, CHERISH the innocence while you still have it. Hang out with your friends while they are still genuine. Love your parents and appreciate them, they might not be here tomorrow."
             I remember one day walking home from school one day when I was younger, we were living in Ivins. I remember wondering why my mom hadn't picked me up so I started walking home. It was up hill and far, not to mention it was Summer with no water. Instead of being mad that she didn't pick me up, my heart was in my stomach. What was wrong, where could she be, was she okay, that's what was going through my head. My eyes started to swell up a bit and to cheer myself up I wrote a song.
              "Please let my mom come home safely, please let her come home all sweet
               Please let my mom come home safely, please let us go home and eat."
I sang that over and over as I walked home and I remember a warm feeling coming over me. Almost like someone was telling me not to worry.
               Heavenly father works in mysterious ways, I said a prayer and asked God to keep her safe. I asked him to help me get home, I was hot and dehydrated and I didn't want to walk anymore. After I was done with my prayer the family that baptized me when I was younger drove up behind me and said "hop in" I was so happy!! He has been by my side, giving me strength, whispering "it's okay, soon everything will be OK", there is no way I could have turned out the way I did without the love and trust from my heavenly father. Just know that we are never given trials we cannot handle in life. God has a plan and everything you have been through, the tears you have cried, the people who have come in and out of your life, and the blessings are all part of his plan.
               I was not raised LDS, I was not raised to believe in God at all. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I have been saved for a greater purpose and that there is a reason I went through what I did. Every tear I cried, every time I felt abandoned, every battle wound, every time I had to pick up and move, I know that it made the strong woman I am today. If I could go back and change things, I would change a few things. I would change the pain my loved ones went through, but not what I experienced. I am so glad I was not born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I am so glad my family never had money, never had the beautiful things in life. I learned how to fend for myself, how to find places to live, how to survive. That is more valuable that anything money can buy. I can protect my family with not only book smarts, but street smarts and for that I am thankful.
Until you know what someone has been through, don't pretend to know who they are. You have no idea where people have been and the pain they have felt. You have no clue what I have witnessed and you never will. I refuse to reflect on the darkest parts of my past so I will not write it in this blog or anywhere. I have let it go, but that doesn't change what happened. Where I have been has placed me in the exact place I am right now. I had to fight to be the person I am today and I won the fight. So until you truly know someone, be gentle, be courteous, be teachable, be humble, and most of all be Christ-like.
love, Chantal
Stay beautiful