I find myself wondering why things turn out the way they do.
I sometimes get lost in the idea that I am powerless against it...
One day seems like paradise, then the next your life changes...
Today is an emotionally straining day for me..
I got some bad news last night and I truly am powerless in this situation.
My mom lives in Colorado and there is no way for me to be there..
There is no way for me to know why this happened, no way to fix it...
Life has NEVER been easy, I am thankful for that.
If I had an easy childhood I don't think I could  handle the trials I have faced as an adult..
I am strong, but when it comes to my mom I am weak.
For years I saw her lost in her addiction to meth, I saw her struggle..
I saw her be mistreated by her ex husband, being abused while pregnant with my little brother.
For years I experienced pain, loss, being judged by what mistakes my parents made, being hated and rejected, being looked down on, I fought my way through it both physically and mentally...
When I was bouncing house to house trying to feel at home somewhere,
the only thing I worried about was my little brother and my mom.
I always knew I would find a way, but I feared the worst for my mother...
No matter what happened, what mistakes she made, how many times my heart was broken by her choices, no matter how many times my brother and I were beat by my step dad, no matter how hard life was growing up, I NEVER blamed my mom. I knew it was the addiction.
Anger was never a feeling I felt for my mother, I honored her just like our heavenly father asked..
So when I get the news that I received last night, that something is wrong with my mother..
My strength turns into mush and I am crushed.
I am bent, but not broken. I will continue to pray..
I will pray that she can make it out of this mess, I pray that nothing changes.
One day it's paradise,
the next your searching for the light at the end of the tunnel..
desperate to find it before you are lost once again...
I'm devastated....