Finding myself after all these years..

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
 Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
 It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?'
 Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.
 Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
 It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
 As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
― Marianne Williamson,    


This is my ALL TIME favorite quote, this is so true. So many people including myself shrink around others so they will not feel insecure and attack you with jealousy. I forget this sometimes, I shrink constantly because I know people will attack. I am making a promise to myself not to do that anymore. For example I, just like nearly EVERY mother am proud of my children. I use to have a facebook and post that I thought my son was the most handsome, people did not like that. They automatically assumed that if they were to say their child was the cutest that I would be offended, not true at all. I know how it is to be a parent, when you look at a child that is half you and half the person you love, it is so hard not to think that baby is the most beautiful in the world. That does not mean other people cannot think the same, plenty of parents say that about their kids around me just to be defensive and prove a point. The only point they are proving around me is that they are insecure because of how proud I am of my children and that's on them, not me.

My son was the biggest boy, he is strong, taller than most kids his age, and above average as far as speech and strength. This is not an observation, this was told to me by his doctors since he was 1 week old. I do not feel like I need to shrink and not acknowledge these things just because they might make you feel inadequate or bad about yourself. Boston is also advanced in weight and strength, I couldn't be more proud of them and I will shout it from the roof tops because it's a beautiful thing! I have always had problems finding good people in my life who can be proud of me or happy for me instead of be jealous. I am slowly weeding those people out of my life (family or not) and keeping the right people in my life. I will no longer feel bad for being proud of myself for being the best mom I know how to be, raise my kids the best way I know how, and make sure my kids have the absolute best I can give them. I know now that the people who feel like they need to be in competition with me are the ones with the problem, not me.

This anxiety has been both a negative and a positive in my life. It has brought me to my knees, made me more vulnerable, and opened doors that I have never cared to open. This is one of those doors that I have opened to find a problem of mine that I will now deal with and fix. The friends and family who I communicate with and who I stay in contact with have specific traits. These people are happy with I am happy, they smile at my success and help me when I fail. They know that no matter what time, or what the situation, that I will always be there for them and I will give them the ugly truth out of love. These people know my intentions are good and understand that I don't go out of my way to post things about my life just to make them feel inadequate, they are not flakes, they are supportive and it's a give and take relationship. I thank the lord for people like this in my life, some people don't have many positive and healthy relationships in their circle of friends and family, but mine is growing.

Positivity is the only thing that will help me through the trials I have been facing lately. I have the strength to day by day make my life  better or make my life some place I cannot stand to live in. I am choosing to be positive, to look at what I have now that I didn't have growing up. The things I have now that as a child I never thought I would have. I never dreamed of having such a wonderful husband because I never believed in love. I never believed I would have children because I wanted it so much, I thought it was just a dream. I never thought that I would have friends worth more than gold, but I do now. I am focusing on what is worth fighting for, I am growing each day. We all have things to learn and mountains to climb. I am so thankful to be blessed with another day to be able to work towards my goals. One day I woke up, I was an adult, married, with two kids, and a whole closet full of issues I need to work through from my past. Things that have effected me in so many ways, they have molded the stubborn person I am today, and they have taught me to believe in nobody, that love is a lie, and that everyone is out to hurt me.

I refuse to live that way anymore, life has changed so why shouldn't I? I am no longer stuck in a nightmare, no longer too young to have any control over the changes in my life. From now on I will remember the power I do have over my life and choose to move forward. Not build a wall over my heart and emotions and pretend to move forward when mentally and emotionally I am stuck in the darkness of my memories. I want to truly be mentally and emotionally healthy and pass that healthy way of living onto my children. I am a soldier, I am a fighter, I am a force to be recond with, I am a daughter of God, and I have been through some of the hardest times in my life, they are over and I am ready to focus on the fact that I made it out without falling into addictions like so many who grew up like I did. I wear heels, I wear make up, I dress girly, and I have class. Don't let my facade fool you, there was a time I wasn't sure if I would make it through the night safely. I am physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually stronger than you know. From now on I will not hide it, I will let it shine and if people don't like it, if they feel inadequate, then maybe they need to find themselves like I have.

Stay beautiful and make sure the world knows just how beautiful you are!