It's been a while since I wrote something straight from my heart, something I feel prompted to write for the sake of others who need answers. I think today I will take the time while my son is sleeping and do just that. Just so everyone knows, if you go to the bottom of the page you can click where is says "older posts" and read some of the blogging I did when my son was younger....

I feel lately, maybe it's the hormones after giving birth, maybe even the breastfeeding hormones I don't know. I feel that I am lost, I feel like my identity has been taken from me. I'm sure a lot of my blog followers wonder where the inspirational Chantal has gone, well so have I. It's not that it's not in my heart, it's that I haven't felt compelled to let it out for a while, that is until today.

When will enough ever be enough, I feel like no matter how far I get in life I always expect more of myself. I am married, with two children, a home owner, our vehicle is paid off, I have valuable friends, I am exactly where I want to be with my spirituality, but I don't feel full. Life will always throw curve balls, it's those curve balls that keep me fighting. Someday I'm expecting a curve ball, but then the back smacks me right in the nose. Curve balls are always expected, at least for me they are. Sometimes those heart breaking, life changing events happen that throw you off track.

Exactly one week before I gave birth to my daughter I got into a head on collision and totaled our truck, our only vehicle. She is now 2 months old so it is still a pretty fresh wound I am trying to heal. I was 9 months pregnant, I had never been more terrified in my life. When we hit I immediately crawled out the passengers side of our truck because the drivers side was smashed in. I was the only person in the car thank goodness! I saw everyone run out of the vehicles and run out the restaurants they were eating at to help me. They saw that I was pregnant and in shock, they all tried to calm me down, but it wasn't working.

They kept asking about the baby and it caused so much anxiety because I didn't know if she was okay, I didn't want to talk about the baby. One of the lady's let me use her phone to call my husband, he didn't know what to do, it was our only vehicle. He went to the next door neighbors and told them what happened so they watched Easton while the wife drove him to the crash. I have never seen him so scared and worried in his life, his pregnant wife had gotten into a serious accident, how helpless would you feel? The paramedics insisted that they take me to the ER in the ambulance and I resisted, but they couldn't just leave me. I don't know why I told them no, I think I was too scared to find out what was wrong with Boston..

We got to the ER and the room was full of doctors and nurses, my anxiety hit hard and I was scared. I wondered if they knew something that I didn't know, was I hurt and didn't know it because I was in shock? They kept comforting me and telling me how beautiful I was, they told me not to worry that they would take care of me. All I could think about was my son and husband. They finally arrived and the look on my sons face broke my heart, he cried and wanted to lay with me. They didn't think it was a good idea, I said "tough luck" and grabbed my son and hugged him tight.

They said that I wasn't in shock so that Labor and Delivery had to take care of me from that point on, so there I went back into the ambulance to the baby hospital by the temple. When I got there I had calmed down a bit, I calmed down even more once Jared and Easton got there. The nurses were awesome, they kept trying to drug me to help the pain, but I refused. They even took Jared into the hallway and told him that I needed to take pain meds, he said there is no way anyone will get me to take any. Out of no where I start having contractions, within minutes the contractions were 1 minute apart and I had dilated to a 5, when I got there I was a 3.

They called the doctor and he said that if I dilate anymore that I would be having the baby that night. I couldn't believe all of this was happening, all I could think was the car accident knocked my baby girl pretty hard because my belly was bruised really bad. The worst bruise was right where her head was, with pregnancy and injuries it can be very dangerous. They told me to drink a ton of water and to relax, the next time they checked me I had not dilated anymore which was a good thing, but they still kept us over night. The doctor came in the next morning and told me that it is a blessing that baby and I are alive and that I didn't end up having the baby that night.

I didn't understand why it was such a big deal to stop the baby from coming, but then he explained. He told me that when the baby is hit that hard, when the mother goes into labor it means something could be wrong with the baby. He said that by my contractions stopping that the baby was thriving and he didn't see a reason to worry. Exactly one week later we had our baby girl, you could see where she had been hit because there was bruising that seemed like it was going away on her nose and her nose was smashed. After a week or so her nose went back to it's normal shape, she was born happy and healthy. These kinds of things happen so fast that when they do it sometimes feels like your in shock. Letting the shock take over and becoming a zombie does not help the situation and it definitely would not have helped my son cope with seeing his mommy in the hospital bed.

We all the inner strength that we don't know is there until push comes to shove. We all have the opportunity to rise above the tragedy and allow it to make you stronger in the end. When you look back don't you want to be proud of how you let this tragedy effect your life and loved ones? You are the only one who has control over how life effects you, will you let it break you or let it make you? I have been through so much in my life, so much pain and confusion, so much loss, so much anxiety and depression, so much darkness, some people wondered if that would shape and mold me into the kind of person that put others through what I had to endure. Instead I am the complete opposite, NEVER will my children ever go through those things, I will not allow it. Life throws curve balls, after a while you learn how to turn those curve balls into home runs. When the unexpected ball hits you square in the face, get back up with your black eye and win the game.

I don't admire people who are powerful because of their money, I admire mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally strong people. People who can say they made it through the rain without an umbrella and never complained once, instead they searched for shelter, they found a way....

Stay Beautiful...